Rehearsing

the long drive,

the short walk,

the last laugh,

the random talk.

He called you pretty,

the way you looked,

was beautiful,

and that’s all it took.

You had your song,

but you never danced to it.

girl I must admit,

rock bottom is good solid ground.

As she eyes him,

he walks down the hall.

They’ll give it their all

but their destined to fall.

they want to be remembered,

and stay up later than the streetlights.

if love was a fight,

they‘d expect to get hurt.

They make a scene

drowning each other in their vanity.

Where is the sun to break this storm?

Why isn’t the truth ever the norm?

He kisses better than he listens.

She cant get enough,

And he likes it rough.

The truth is not the norm

As she eyes him,

he walks down the hall.

They’ll give it their all

but their destined to fall.

they want to be remembered,

and stay up later than the streetlights.

if love was a fight,

they‘d expect to get hurt.

So you sit there rehearsing all the lies you’ll tell me

the lies you’ll tell me.

People change,

and forget to tell each other.

we may not end up

Where we thought we’d be

and I promise there’s part of me

That is worth keeping.

and of course I like you.

Ill remember you.

I remember everyone who leaves

and I’m selfish and impatient.

And I make mistakes.

I’m out of control

and at times

I’m hard to handle .

At my best

I’m hard to handle.

I’m hard to handle

I’m hard to handle

at my best

I’m hard to handle.

I’m hard to handle

What is love?

Amanda Matousek

February 2009

What is Love?

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.#

Love is madness. When in love, you can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't

function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and it’s the best feeling in the world. It's unyielding. It never stops, never goes away. There is nothing you can do about it. Love is a force.

We read in Symposium that we’re all looking for someone else to complete us, because the gods split us in half. I think there could be some truth to that. I think we were given two eyes to see, two ears to hear, two hands to touch, two feet to walk, but only one heart, cause we have to find the other that goes with it.

Love is something to be given to someone else. It does no good to you to keep it inside yourself. You have to open your self up, and that’s scary because you’re rendering yourself completely venerable. But if you’re not willing to risk it, I don’t think you want it bad enough.

Love is a relationship. Between two lovers, between a father and son, between a woman and chocolate, between best friends, between God and his creation. Every relationship is flawed, but what makes them worthwhile is when we know they’re flawed, and we still want to be in them anyways. Love is that kind of unification.

Love is complicated. Sometimes it makes you brave, or flawless, and sometimes it makes you stupid and clumsy. You cant define it, you can only experience it. It is physical and metaphysical, emotional and factual. Those who don’t have it, want it, and those who have it, take it for granted.

We cannot explain love. There are many things in this world we can not explain. Hate, genocide, serial killers and terrorists. Discrimination, war. Love is the universe’s way of providing contrast.

#1 Corinthians 13 [abridged]

I Like it Better when I’m sleeping

Love is like standing in wet cement

those footprints will be permanent.

if you start to stay you just cant leave

you‘ll be stuck with my heart on your sleeve, oh

Refrain:

I like it better when im sleeping

cause I stop thinking of you

It feels like a perfect lie

Just how I want it to

Its not a fib if you believe it

not a tall tale, if its true

well, I like it better when im sleeping

cause I stop thinking of you

I wake up, get dressed, decide on blue

all without any help from you

if our love was a VHS id pause at every kiss

and the fighting and the crying, I would simply miss

you’re made entirely of flaws mixed with some good intentions

but that’s not good enough so we need an intervention

well, I know we’ll end up jut where we’re supposed to be

cause you’ll always be stuck with my heart on your sleeve, oh

Refrain

Starry

I know that you’re so sorry

that my skies are not so starry

good thing my smile is so bright.

Cause my heart has been broken by

you, but you’re just a guy

and you know what?

that’s all well and fine

I lie awake. I’m feeling empty.

Listening to loneliness.

Now I know who you are and who you’ll never be

so ill speak to you in smiles and regrets.

Theres stars in every city

goodbyes are always shitty

but when its dark enough they’ll light up the sky

when you realize all at once

that tears can work like words

please feed your excuses to the birds.

I lie awake. I’m feeling empty.

Listening to loneliness.

Now I know who you are and who you’ll never be

so ill speak to you in smiles and regrets.

You’d never make me cry.

My skies are not so starry

Guess im done with hearing sorry

I lie awake. I’m feeling empty.

Listening to loneliness.

Now I know who you are and who you’ll never be

so ill speak to you in smiles and regrets.

You’d never make me cry.

I lie awake. I’m feeling empty.

Listening to loneliness.

Now I know who you are and who you’ll never be

so ill speak to you in smiles and regrets.

You’d never make me cry.

I lie awake. I’m feeling empty.

Listening to loneliness.

Now I know who you are and who you’ll never be

One Year Anniversary

I thought of something romantic you did for me.

You wrote me that cute little note remember?

You burned me a CD too I think.

But I don’t really remember the CD.

I remember the note.

So I’m writing you one now.

Today is June 24, 2009.

Its 11:11am.

The perfect time to start wishing you a happy anniversary.

The perfect time to start wishing.

As I close my eyes and hold my breath a million thoughts go through my mind.

I have to work today.

I forgot to empty the dishwasher.

I should take a shower.

What is Amy doing?

What should I wish for?

World peace?

Lots of money?

And then I think of you.

“I hope he’s happy”

And accidentally, my wish is all used up.

But I couldn’t have wished for anything better anyways.

So I do what any other sensible person would do.

I kiss the clock.

I must admit, I have the desire to fill up a million pages with a million words, in very small font. I feel the need to present you with a book. Bound, and new smelling. That way, you could sit it on your shelf, and anytime you’re lonely or sad, or happy and excited, or tired, or content, or hungry, you could flip open to a page somewhere in the middle and read something new. But maybe you could read this, not a book, not new smelling, but maybe you could read it a hundred times, and maybe, though the words will be the same, they could make you feel new. I hope so.

I don’t feel the need to tell you all the things you already know. So I won’t. But reminders are good sometimes. So remind yourself often, and ill try to as well.

Sometimes I find you simply unbearable. You’re annoying and rude. Crass, and conceited. Lazy and irresponsible. Sometimes I wonder if I really love you. But they say that if you don’t know where your heart lies, look to where you’re mind wanders. And it’s true. My mind is very faithful to you. So I wonder why I even wondered in the first place. My heart is obviously irrevocably yours.

You’re afraid of heights. I’d like to say I’m not afraid of anything, but we both know that isn’t true. I’m afraid of clowns, and driving, and the dark, and being alone. But you know what I’m afraid of most? That we’ll be like Jon and Kate. And one day you won’t love me anymore. And my beautiful fairy tale will be forever shattered. And I won’t know what to do with my self. Wait, yes I do. I will super glue you to the bottom of an airplane. Because if I have to deal with my biggest fear, so do you.

I’ve always believed that you should love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. Hence why I didn’t date a lot in high school. Contrary to popular belief I had lots of offers. But they were never the right guy and I was never ready. I was lonely. I hope that’s what happened with you. I like to think you were dating girls because you were lonely and then you decided to date me when you were ready. I don’t know if that’s true, but I like to think it is.

Christian, I love you. And that’s really all I have to say. All I have to give you. If you want it, it’s yours. It always has been… always will be. Happy anniversary baby.

Skinny Jeans

I’m terrified of winding up alone forever.

I’m the kinda girl who doesn’t try to be clever.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say,

But baby when I do,

I mean every word.

And I meant them all to you.

I wish you were here not there, there.

Cause I cant breath this air, air.

You’ve left my life so bare, bare.

Sweet talkers make me fall apart

You lie like its an art

I should have known that from the start.

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

I've got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

Ive got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.

Its kinda funny in the end when i think through it all

I always knew I be the one to break, the one to take the fall.

Its true they say habits are just so hard to break

So I guess I wasn’t habit, I was just a mistake.

He gave me one last kiss, kiss.

My eyes were locked with his, his.

That’s one thing I will miss, miss.

If, if, you never would have lied, lied

I never would have cried, cried

Never ever cried cried

Never ever

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

Ive got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

Ive got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.

You hit me with

That last promise

I wanted to

Believe in you

But we both knew

It wasnt true

Now I must start anew

Without you

You hit me with

That last promise

I wanted to

Believe in you

But we both knew

It wasnt true

Now I must start anew

Without you

Good thing all a girl ever needs is a good pair of jeans.

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

Ive got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.

Dear boy, who was mine,

You have been much less than kind

But imma be alright

Cause I have seen the light

Ive got skinny jeans, my eyes are green

And you are nothing that you seem.